The Guardian<\/i> recently featured a fascinating article by Edward Collier on its website in which the author debated whether or not it was appropriate for him to attend the funeral of someone he considered a close friend who he\u2019d recently discovered had died.\n<\/p>\n
The complication was that they hadn\u2019t ever met in the flesh \u2013 their entire relationship had taken place in the virtual world, on an online cricket forum, where they spent many lively hours in each other\u2019s company debating different aspects of the game. To Edward Collier, this had become a very meaningful and fulfilling source of friendship; yet he wasn\u2019t sure if the other man\u2019s family even knew about it, much less would want him to attend his funeral. He worries that the fact it was \u201conly\u201d a virtual friendship doesn\u2019t entitle him to be there.\n<\/p>\n
Virtual relationships are just one aspect of the increasingly problematic business of knowing whether you should attend someone else\u2019s funeral or not.\n<\/p>\n
Social and technological changes in the modern world \u2013 not just the internet, but also the high number of divorces, and the way we now move between different homes and occupations much more often than people used to \u2013 have resulted in many of us having some degree of social connection or kinship with lots of more people than was the case in previous ages, and it can be difficult to know which connections are strong enough for you to be welcome at someone else\u2019s funeral.\n<\/p>\n
So when should you attend someone\u2019s funeral? There is unfortunately no straightforward answer. Indeed, the lack of social protocol to help inform this decision is one of the things which Edward Collier bemoans in his article.\n<\/p>\n
Firstly, you need to find out what kind of funeral has been arranged. If it\u2019s just a small family affair, it would usually be inappropriate to attend unless you were very close to the deceased. Attendance at small funerals is usually by invitation only, which at least makes it quite straightforward to work out if your presence is desired or not.\n<\/p>\n
Larger funerals are more difficult in many ways, because the pool of potential guests is much broader. This type of funeral service may be advertised publically somewhere, such as in the newsletters produced by organisations which the deceased belonged to, and these adverts will often say \u201copen to all\u201d or suchlike.\n<\/p>\n
This is where the conundrum raised by Edward Collier becomes problematic \u2013 while it may say \u201copen to all\u201d, his problem was that he didn\u2019t feel he could explain his relationship with the deceased to this other man\u2019s close friends and family; he didn\u2019t feel he could justify his presence at the funeral, or by extension, his right to share in their sense of grief.\n<\/p>\n
The family members of the deceased will obviously feel the greatest sense of loss, so it is important to consider whether they would want you in attendance. No-one wants to be regarded as an intruder on such a sensitive occasion, someone who is seen as treading on the other peoples\u2019 delicate emotions.\n<\/p>\n
While there is no set protocol, members of the family will usually be expected to attend, even if they were not at all close to the deceased. Beyond that, anyone who knew the deceased well would normally be welcome, and certain people would often be expected for more diplomatic reasons, such as a representative from their place of work.\n<\/p>\n
Something to bear in mind is how your relationship with the person who\u2019s died ended the last time you saw them. If you parted on bad terms, you might think that attending the funeral could be a final chance at reconciliation \u2013 but it\u2019s definitely best not to rock the boat at a funeral, and your presence may not go down well with the family, however good your intentions.\n<\/p>\n
A very important consideration at a funeral is trying to work out what the deceased would have wanted. This can be the best technique for deciding whether you should attend or not, and it does avoid trying to second-guess the wishes of their family, whose members you may not be very familiar with if your relationship was purely with the person who\u2019s died.\n<\/p>\n
If in doubt, it can sometimes be best just to throw caution to the wind; after all, you only get a single chance to attend someone\u2019s funeral, one chance to participate in the official ritual for saying goodbye. If the other person was very important to you, then you\u2019ll likely be glad after the event that you didn\u2019t let it go to waste.\n<\/p>\n
To read Edward Collier\u2019s article for the<\/i> Guardian, just follow this link: It is not always easy to be sure if you should attend a funeral or not, as Edward Collier, writing recently in the Guardian<\/i>, eloquently explained.<\/p>\n
\n www.guardian.co.uk\/commentisfree\/2012\/may\/22\/should-one-attend-funeral-virtual-friend?newsfeed=true<\/a>
\n<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"